Nightmare..

As i start awake, frightening images in my sleepy eyes;
i search..i search...for you to hold,
for your comforting touch.. your gentle voice...
and all i want is no more;
for who can seek anything beyond the realms of heaven?
ironic; i cant have the only thing i want.

The darkness all around me, whispers silently-
lost memories, faded moments, timeless words..
i wonder, can the bright light erase them?
and the day comes, and the magic of the night is broken.
but the cycle rotates back...
and then comes the night again... promising, hopeful and subtle.
the garish day lurks around the corner, in hiding, waiting to surround me,
engulf me once again... but the night always returns.

and i churn about in this never-ending circle...
round and round; faster and faster-
till the light and night merge and there is no difference.
The rotation, continuos, and monotonous, continues...
i lose track of darkness and light- its all the same for me..

The images come every day- varied, yearning,hopeful.
sometimes realistic, sometimes not.
but the effect is always the same.
quivering lips, cold feet, shaking hands, wide moist eyes,
wrinkled forehead, thumping heart, body frozen, mind closed.
when will it be over? i ask...and get no reply.
the silence suffocating...the emptiness glaring.
i have no choice.
I close my eyes, and dream again.

My Faded(Favourite) Blue Jeans

My faded blue jeans...
Once a perfect fit; now too tight, im unable to breathe.
Evoking memories of the past, they stand for life itself, and touched every part of mine,
They were once rich colored, now the colours are long faded...
rusting, lying at the back of my cupboard,...
they lie there, quiet and unused,collecting dust..

Someday i may bring threm out again, look at the faded colour and smile,
Will they be of use to me?
or will they be put back into that dark corner once again?
i await for the answer my love.

In you i found comfort, i found beauty, i found imperfect perfection...
can that ever be revived?
Your faded colour holds more value than the bright new, inexperienced ones,
maybe someday, they too shall lie there with you.
But you my faded jeans....you shall remain with me forever, faded and used,
you shall always remain my first true love.
you shall shall always be the fresh green grass,
and you shall always make me smile; bittersweet.

for me, you shall always be mine-
you found me amongst the haggling buyers,
did they enchant you more than i? do you regret being mine?
Day after day, it was you, just you,
no matter how many other came in, i always sought you amongst the heaped piles.
special moments we spent together, you and i.
Beautiful, unadulterated by selfishness.

will ever that moment come, when i pull you out of that corner?
forgotten yet unforgotten.
and smile as i reminisce and once again feel...
your touch against my skin; snug and secure.just like the old days...
and as i smile and walk with you, will your old stitches hold?
Will your fabric deceive me, and rip as i try to stretch, to move?
will you numb be, and cause me the hurt i felt long ago,
when you tightened your grasp around my veins, smothering my breaths....
or will you regain the ancient comfort, and be my faithful companion?
I await my beloved, for your answer. I await.

I wonder

I wonder if i imagined it all...
was there never an 'us'? were you fictitious?
born from the depth of my imagination, wishful thinking...

Did nothing ever happen? or was it all false and vile..
i do not know.. maybe i'll never know.

You act as if it were all a dream,
as if my schizophrenia had produced them;
these images, these memories.
Can memories be so cheap,
as to be conjured up as and when one pleases?..strange.

Rhetorics, all of them...
I know the answer, yet i dont know.
Will i ever think without thinking that i am thinking wrong?
Will ever a day come, when my self-worth and confidence overrides my confused love?
I await in anticipation.

I want freedom, but do i really?
A few constraints to comfortably kick against,
could not be such a bad thing.
freedom breaks restrictions, and yet, it is limiting....